I celebrated Presidents' Day yesterday by taking a trip to my local
laundromat. I didn't feel like having the "hobo chic" look at work for
the rest of the week, so I figured it was a good day to wash some
clothes. As did everyone else in my neighborhood. While I was waiting
for/gooseguarding (Toni swears that's not a word, I beg to differ)
washing machines, my phone rang.
An unfamiliar number splashed its way across my phone screen. Normally, I wouldn't ever pick up, but laundromats get rather boring, and I have about a kajillion minutes in my plan (yay T-Mobile!) so I decided to break the rules of picking up foreign phone numbers.
Never break the rules when the Federal Bureau of Investigation is on the other line...
It started innocently enough. I have very lazy phone etiquette, but still managed to mumble out "Hello?"
The voice on the other end sounded like it belonged to the sergeant
from the "Boot Camp" episodes of the Maury show. "Can I speak to Leon Hart?"
At this point, I figure it's a bill collector and decide to tell the
truth, since going to church in my youth taught me that it will set you
free. "Speaking, can I ask who's calling?" (Like I said, my grammar is
way off when I talk on the phone.)
"Well, Leon, this is (I forget the name, but you would too after
hearing this next part) from the FBI, and I'd like to ask you a few
questions."
Here's the part where I died a little inside. I nearly shat a brick,
not unlike those "movie stars" in that 2 Girls 1 Cup video that was
circulating not too long ago and mysteriously ended up on my laptop (I
still haven't forgiven Perez Hilton for that one). I started uploading
memories in my mind trying to figure out which torrent I leeched had
finally put me under the radar (note: this is not an admission of
guilt, but rather a scene from my imagination where I pondered
different scenarios).
Fortunately, my mind was set at ease when FBI guy explained himself.
"I'm calling because (redacted, let's call him "Megatron") recently
submitted an application, and put your name down as a reference." I let
out a sigh of relief, since I recalled Megatron recently mentioning
that this would happen.
Now, you may be asking, "What the hell do you look at online to have a
reaction like that?", but I want to say that for the record, it was
justified. I was once detained (along with my brother, who was about 11
or 12 at the time) upon arriving to JFK Airport from Jamaica.
Apparently, some guy with the same first and last name as me was on a
terror watch list or something, and I was confused for him. We spent
several hours in some back room, being asked if either of us had been
to California (which, at the time, we hadn't). The TSA finally figured
they had the wrong guy and let us go, which only made me even more
pissed off that my parents gave me a relatively common-ass name.
But I digress. Once my heart rate was brought back from "cardiac
arrest" to "diabetic coma", I was able to concentrate on the
conversation, which went something like this:
FBI: How do you know Megatron?
Leon: Well, I first met him when I was about 5, but I most recently saw him in a Michael Bay movie.
FBI: I beg your pardon?
Leon: I mean, I was Megatron's RA during his freshman year at Cornell.
FBI: What was his behavior like?
Leon: He was very respectful, followed the rules, yada yada more compliments.
FBI: How did the other dorm inhabitants view him?
Leon: Megatron was a leader {of the Decepticons!}, people looked up to him, blah blah blah.
FBI: Did you observe Megatron engaging in any underage drinking?
Leon: Megatron's like, 5000 years old! So therefore, no, I didn't see him involved in any underage drinking.
FBI: Any illegal substances, or narcotics, or anything of that nature?
Leon: Nope, not at all.
FBI: Has Megatron, to your knowledge, acted or planned anything in retaliation to or otherwise against the United States government? (Yes, this, and all the other questions, are real questions that I was asked.)
Leon: {I was going to make a joke about how Megatron once tried to take 4 oz. of shampoo with him onto a plane, but it would have been in very bad taste, so instead I just replied} Nope, not at all.
FBI: Would you recommend Megatron for this position?
Leon: Absolutely. {In my head I'm thinking: Why the fuck else would I have agreed to be his reference?}
FBI guy asked me a few more standard-type questions, thanked me for my time, and hung up.
I went back inside the laundromat (I had stepped out once I knew who I
was dealing with), and got bitched out by some mom for not taking my
clothes out at the precise moment the spin cycle ended. But I just
brushed my shoulders off because, hell, I just survived my first
real-life federal interrogation, and they were nice enough to not
torture me.
Plus, since I saved the number they called me from, the FBI is now in my fave 5.
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